We Have a Problem…

Until this stage in the game, my wife’s pregnancy had been going pretty well: we had all the standard appointments, the babies were growing well, we liked the doctor. Then came our 20-week ultrasound, and the day that would really change our lives forever…

I was looking forward to seeing the boys, as always, and this was the big ultrasound where we’d get to see them more than usual. The ultrasound started normally, with the tech chatting with us and showing us everything about our two boys. To this day, I really can’t remember why, but my wife mentioned how her sister’s daughter was born with a heart defect. She and the tech chatted about it briefly as the tech began to look more closely at the heart. Baby B’s heart was fine, but as soon as she began looking at Baby A’s heart, all the friendly chatting stopped. In fact, she stopped talking altogether.

As I mentioned before, pregnancy terrifies me. And those moments of silents felt like eons, and I began to feel a chill then a cold sweat coming on. I got really, really nervous. Meanwhile the tech said, “Sorry, I’m just trying to concentrate a little harder here.” I knew by her silence that something was wrong.

We went to meet with the doctor, whose often joking tone was very somber and serious. He said the babies are growing fine, Baby B looked good, but he noticed something unusual about the other baby’s heart. He said he wasn’t sure, but he described it as “pretty serious.” And that’s about as far as we got in terms of an explanation. He would refer us to the high-risk doctor at the Womens’ Institute, who will help give a second look. Finally, before we left he said something along the lines of, “It could be nothing, but to me it looks pretty serious.”

I was in a fog. I’m not even sure if my mind was racing or if it shut off entirely. I have no clue, all I know is that all my pregnancy-time terrors came true…something was wrong with one of our babies. And I’d have to wait weeks to find out what it was. I hugged my wife in the parking lot and tried my best to reassure her and be strong for her. We both had to go back to work, though (I really didn’t want to), so off we went our separate ways. I got in the car and drove pretty much 25 feet before I completely lost it. I mean, what the heck? What the heck did we do to deserve this? Haven’t we been through enough? I was sad, I was angry, I was confused…it was crazy. I begged God to make it better, because babies don’t deserve that. He could make me sick if He wanted: Go ahead, God…take my arm, take my leg, take the nose off my face…whatever…as long as he’s ok.

I sat in the parking lot of my job and prayed that the next appointment would show that the baby was ok and that we’d be able to look back and laugh, saying “haha remember that?” I walked into the building and one of my co-workers asked how it went. I remember sitting in her office, still in a fog, staring off into space and saying “Not good.” It’s funny, I walked in not wanting to talk to ANYONE, but once I started to talk about it, I felt a little better. It made it real, like this is what it is, or at least this is what we think is going on. How bad it is remains to be seen…